Not Your average House Cat
by BananaNutCrunch
Summary: A slightly pointless cat-bashing fic told through the eyes of completely imaginary and slightly cracked Kidou Corps member, Terry Yaki. Because some people need to learn that Grimmjow is NOT a kitty-cat.


Fourth seath officer of Kidou Corps, Terry Yaki, was not having a good day.

First, her captain had decided on a whim that everyone should extend training by three hours. Then, the old weirdo with abs springs news of an imminent Espada invasion on everyone, and to top it all off, her godawful sister Teppan Yaki suddenly decides to send her on an errand to buy some treats for her stupid bastard cat.

Why Teppan even allowed that cat under her roof, Terry would never know. It was an evil, vicious thing with a thirst for blood and the strange ability to manipulate people in its rapidly yellowing claws.

Not Terry, though.

Understandably, this had lead to a lifelong enmity between her and the cat (or a battle between good and evil, as Terry liked to call it).

It wasn't so much that Terry hated cats, as more of a deep mistrust of them. In Terry's opinion, all cats were lazy, conniving things. In fact, she was sure, if it weren't for the way cats looked, nobody would even spit at the buggers. I mean come on, dogs were loyal and lovable, fish were simple and undemanding, and birds weren't the most intelligent of creatures, but, hey, at least they were entertaining. But cats? All they did was yowl and nap and bother other cats and crap on the furniture. (Okay, maybe that last one wasn't true, but Terry wasn't about to admit it).

And even if her stupid sister_ had_ to go and get a stupid cat, did she _really_ have to insist that Terry pamper it and try to get along with it? No siree, that's what Terry, thought.

Seething inwardly, Terry had barely time to react when a red flash of light erupted to her left, sending her sprawling against the wall. Terry ducked again as a second blast hit the package in her arms, making it explode and sending bits of catnip everywhere.

_Crap_! The Espada were invading _now_? Half of Seretei was still completely unprepared, and an attack like this would damn near _kill_ everyone!

Terry flattened herself against the wall, mind working furiously at figuring out what the hell she was supposed to do. Just in the line of her vision, a figure sauntered lazily over in her direction. _Like a damn cat_, she thought off-handedly.

She stood as he approached, eyes narrowing. The man's easy leer was not helping to calm her mood, and she was fighting down the urge to shoot a Redfire Cannon straight up the bastard's nose.

"What?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. The man paused.

" 'What?' Whaddya mean, 'what'? Ain't you gonna ask for mercy or somethin'?" he tilted his head slowly, grin widening.

"I'm busy," Terry snapped, "so go bother someone else." In some twisted turn of logic, she hoped inwardly that this reasoning with the man might persuade him to let her go. She turned on her heel and stalked past him, wondering what to tell her sister now that the catnip had been compromised.

No such luck.

The man caught her by the wrist. "Not so fast," he warned.

Oh, well. It was worth a try.

The man's face relaxed back into its unpleasant leer. "See, I'm in a good mood, and…" he trailed off. "What's that smell?"

"Smell? What smell?" Terry wrinkled her nose.

"That smell…it's pretty good, and it's coming from…coming from…" the man's voice faltered, and his eyes glazed over slightly. He stopped moving.

Terry pulled her hand away cautiously, eying the tattooed number 6 on the man's torso. She backed away, wondering if this was some weird plot to catch her off-guard.

He followed her dreamily, gazing at a point somewhere above her head. "It smells really…really…good…really…rrr….rrrr…..rrrrrrrooooooooowwwl…."

That did it. Terry turned and ran, alarmed. (Dammit, what was she _suppose_d to do? She wasn't _trained_ to deal with crazy blue bastards! )

She crouched behind a pillar, wondering vaguely if she had managed to lose the man.

"YIP!"

Terry squeaked at a strange brush against her legs. She scooted back a few feet, only to see that same blue bastard sitting on the ground and staring at her. She froze, horrified, as the man placidly padded forward on all fours and rubbed himself amicably against her legs again.

"Go away, you bastard," she said cautiously. The man paid her no heed, instead turning around to look at her with wide-open eyes.

"_Please_ go away, you bastard?" she nudged him with a foot. The man didn't budge. She jumped at a strange sound erupting from his throat. After a while, realisation dawned.

"Are you purring?"

There it was again, that disturbing growl. And now he was coming up to her again, rubbing against her like they were old chums from the past or some such nonsense. She retrieved her foot, unsure of what to do.

"Of all the animals, you had to be a cat? A damn _cat_? And what the hell is with that sudden transformation, anyway? Was it the catnip? Huh? Does catnip turn you on, you sunnuvagun?" She wafted a hand in front of his face, and sure enough, his gaze followed her fervently.

He licked his lips hungrily, freaking her out sufficiently enough to back away quickly.

He followed her, of course.

Terry scratched her chin, wondering what is usually done about six –foot purring Espadas. Then, an idea struck her.

She grinned.

"Here, kitty, kitty," she knelt and beckoned him over.

The Espada yowled happily and came closer, purring as she scratched his ears and stroked his head. For once, Terry didn't mind getting friendly with a cat, because at that very moment, and plan was unfolding in her head.

"Oh, this'll be good."

In the desert of Hueco Mundo, Terry stood at the doors of Las Noches with Grimmjow tagging at her heels. She patted him on the head, smile widening so much that the top of her head threatened to fall off. "You're a good little kitty, aren't you, boy?" she cooed, scratching under his chin. Grimmjow purred louder than ever, enjoying this newfound attention. Terry withdrew her hand, much to his disappointment. She put her hand in her pocket, taking out a small bottle of water. Grimmjow tilted his head, curious. Terry winked, and knocked once on the door.

She looked around conspiratorially, and emptied the entire contents of the bottle onto Grimmjow's head.

Then, she ran the hell out of there, cackling maniacally.

Ulquoirra briskwalked down the hallway, frown deepening slightly. Of all the times (when he was busy icing his cookies), someone had to go and knock on the door. And of course, Aizen couldn't open it because, well, he was the boss, and every other Espada had been mysteriously absent.

So of course, he had to open the damn door.

He flung it open, ready for a long telling off, but was instead surprised to see a hissing, spitting_,_ and strangely _soaking wet_ Grimmjow. He wondered for a moment why the man was so enraged.

For a split second, realization dawned on Ulquiorra that Grimmjow was a cat, and cats did _not_ like being wet. He moved to shut the door.

It was too late. Their eyes met.

"**Oh, shi-"**

Grimmjow pounced.

Yay! That's the end. I'm sorry it sucked. But, well, that's what you get after I've sat for an exam, dammit!

Okay, okay. I've had a long day.

As for the whole cat-bashing thing, I mean no offence. See, I'm not a cat person. I'm not even really a dog person. And what irritates me is all those soppy fanfictions that keep referring to Grimmjow as being a cute little kitty-cat. It's sickening. Especially since the number of cat-lovers seems to exponentially outnumber the number of dog-lovers on the internet.

And let's get one thing straight, people. Grimmjow is not a common house cat. He's a _panther_. He may be blue, but he's a panther nonetheless; a natural born killer, an amazing hunter, a strong and pretty kick-ass creature. Do not equate him to something as ridiculous as a kitten. _Even if he is blue._

Which reminds me, it would be nice if every other fanbase in cyberspace would please stop comparing everything to cats.

Also, remember that every time you say, _"kawaii!", _a baby animal dies.

Okay, that's enough ranting. Since Nnoitora didn't appear in this story, I can't use him as a threat to make you review.

It would still be nice, though.


End file.
